Rose

I seem to be maintaining the weight loss pretty well.  I weighed myself on Monday like I promised myself I would.  I came off a weekend of a holiday party and free reign to eat whatever I wanted.  The scale said I gained three pounds, which I would think was unreasonable.  But I will not say it did not bother me because it did, I was like wow, it’s going to come back on me that quick, it hasn’t even been a week!  But I pushed all that down and went for my 6:15am walk with my good friend and tried to forget about it.  When I got home however, I realized I had to poop and low and behold, the three pounds were gone.  How many people can actually say they are full of shit!  I can!!!  Better poop then fat right? 🙂

I have no more diet talk to talk about now so I will share other things with you about my life.  If you know me, I am not one that likes to say goodbye for any reason, I don’t like to leave houses, jobs or even cars.  If I can avoid a goodbye, I am going to do it.  I moved around a lot when I was a young girl.  I was always the one that left, I can not remember a time when I was the one that was left behind.  So as an adult, if I can avoid it, I will.  I have avoided certain goodbyes in my life that have left things unfinished.  I always had good intentions and then I would just not do it.  I would find a way to not be able to make it to the good bye.  I was seeing a therapist at one time and she told me that the next week would be our last session, she looked me right in the eye and said “I bet that you will not make our final session”  Well….challenge accepted, I made it, but if she would not have put it the way she did, I wouldn’t have have come back to say good bye.  I hate them.

This week, Tuesday in fact, I had to say goodbye to someone who was my friend for many years.  We were not super IMG_5486close, but we had a lot of interactions in life.  We shared a school, children who were friends, friends with the same friends, we would see each other often.  She was diagnosed a year and a half ago with pancreatic cancer, they didn’t think she would make it home for Christmas in 2013.  She did, and she fought a long hard battle to make it as long as she did.  Today I went with a friend of mine to a beautiful place called John Knox Hospice by the Sea to say goodbye to Rose.  She didn’t have much time left and I received a text from her daughter saying; she couldn’t really wake up, but she knows she can hear us and that we should visit her.  I went back and forth all afternoon trying not to go, but in the end, I felt if her daughter sent a text out for her mom to get some visitors, I needed to go and I went.  I went and I said goodbye.  I felt good that I was there, it was a big step for me and I hope it means that I won’t be afraid anymore.  She looked very peaceful, her skin was fabulous, she looked like there was no pain left to be felt and I know that is what she needed.  I pray she has a safe journey and that she knows that her daughters and husband will be okay, in time, and that she needn’t worry about them.  I didn’t cry when I first saw her, my friend did.  I was sad and as I was watching her breathe I was thinking about the song she always made me sing at Karaoke, Walk away Joe, how her dog at home was already missing her and that she would be missing her eldest daughter’s wedding in April.  The tears well into my eyes when I heard  her husband tell me when her sister got there, she slept on the hard floor just to be close to her sister while she slept.  You see Rose was the baby of that family, so this was very hard for them.    I am sure I would do for either one of my sisters.  I would be devastated to have to say good bye to either of them, especially if it was my younger one. But now having the chance to say  goodbye to Rose, I would feel very blessed to be able to actually say goodbye to either of them, not being afraid anymore, I realize that you need the closure of a goodbye I believe it will help you move on quicker and heal.   When all’s said and done, the only things that truly matter in life is your family, they are the ones who will truly feel your loss, they are the ones that have known you the truest and longest.  You make your friends and they sometimes replace your family for a while, but you always go home.  Family always forgives you, no matter what stupid or serious thing you have done. You are safe with them, they will always take your back.

The funeral was today and I woke up with a ill feeling in my belly.  I know the feeling must have been knowing that after mass today, that would be it.  She would be laid to rest and life would have to start over again, without her.  I know her family have been dreading this time for a while and my heart breaks for them when all the company is gone, the cards have been sent and all that is left is the silence and all of her things  to be taken care of.  There were many people at her mass and I could imagine her up in heaven looking down and thinking “Man, what a crowd I drummed up”  My husband and I sat with our daughter and her group of friends, which include their parents also.  It was comforting having so many familiar faces around during this difficult time, we were all sad, we all had our own memories of Rose, and we were all there because of Rose and it was odd not seeing her there with us.  I believe in heaven; and I truly think she was up there watching us, sad that she was the reason we all got together today, but happy just the same that we were all in the same place at the same time.cupcakes

For the “Celebration” of Rose’s life everyone was asked to bring something to the bowling alley to share with everyone. I was unable to attend so I sent a veggie platter over.  I asked my oldest to bake something, only if she had time, and she made these adorable cupcakes with little roses on them, they were almost to beautiful to touch.  Little things like that, such a sweet gesture, can make all the difference in the world to someone, I hope in the confusion of all the people at the small bar, someone took a second and notice what a nice thing my daughter did.  My middle daughter, who was friends with Rose’s daughter, spent the entire day at the celebration and made sure she did not leave until every last napkin, cup and plate was thrown out.  Like a good little girl scout, she left the place better then how she found it.  This is the kind of kindness and care you hope that you instill in all your children, it is so nice when you see it first hand. I didn’t go to the bowling alley often, and usually I went there because Rose was having something and as I type this now, I don’t know that there is ever going to be a reason for me ever to go and if I ever do make it in there again, it won’t be the same not being greeted by Rose’s bright shining face.

She will be missed by many, that is for sure.  She is in a better place now and not in any kind of pain, I believe that.

I want you all to know that I am not always this sad.  I have just been having a rough month or so.  Some of my blues were self inflicted, hormone diet, beating myself up about my cravings and stuff like that, but my friend passing away has really done a number on me.  I will be happy again and I hope to have more uplifting blog posts.

I honor of Rose I am am going to share an easy egg bake today.  Rose made something like this every year at Easter and she would not share the recipe with anyone, I hope she at least left it for her girls.  😦  This is very tasty and fairly easy to make;  Thank you Emily for this recipe! Enjoy!

egg bake

Ingredients

1 bag frozen hash browns cooked

8 slices of crustless bread

1 pound cooked ground pork sausage

2 cups fresh spinach

2 cups milk

2 cups shredded cheddar cheese

8 eggs

½ teaspoon salt

½ teaspoon dry mustard

Pepper to taste

Spray bottom of 13×9 pan then Layer hashbrowns on the bottom, lay out slices of bread, then sausage, milk,spinach and cheese.  Mix eggs and seasonings and pour over layers in the pan.  Cover and refrigerate overnight.  In the morning Bake at 350 degrees for 40 minutes.

If I have learned anything this week it is that life is short, you think you have all the time in the world to do the things you always wanted to do, but in reality you really don’t. So if you want to jump out of an air plane, do it, if you want to take guitar lessons, do it, don’t wait.  As Dr. Seuss used to say;

“You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose.” choose how you want to live your life and do it!

Until next week.  Take care of you.

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2 thoughts on “Rose

  1. Rose gave you practice. She taught you that saying goodbye can be a beautiful thing. And in return, you let her know that she had an important place in your life. My mother used to say, “How can I miss you if you don’t leave?” Now you can miss Rose, which keeps her alive in your heart and in your mind. I love you, Marly. 🙂

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